Bilbo the badass thief
by epicjellyfish
Summary: Bilbo is awesome kick ass take names dude. With a spine. (I don't own the hobbit/yaoi warning)
1. Chapter 1

The first dwarf had introduced himself as Dwalin, and proceeded to eat his dinner. The second, not unkind, had introduced himself as Balin and given bilbo a pitying look. The third and the fourth, Fili and Kili, had taken to calling him mister boggins, despite constant correction on bilbos part. The sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, and eleventh dwarves had not even wiped their feet on the mat and had put his pantry in a poor state.

So you can imagine that by the time bilbo answered the door for the fifth time, he was quietly raging and cussing out the grey maïr in his head. When he opened the door this time thought, he was surprised. This dwarf, unlike the others had a somewhat regal aura. He had dark hair, and piercing blue eyes, with an assortment of weapons hidden on his person.

The dwarf looked at bilbo with a glare, as if bilbo had insulted his mother. Bilbo looked back with a worthy glare of his own. As the dwarf brushed past him, bilbo quietly reached into his coat and removed a jewel-encrusted dagger.

"Bilbo, let me introduce you to the leader of our company, Thorin Oakensheild."

Thorin looked the hobbit over. "Looks more like a grocer than a burglar"

Bilbo smiled mischievously." But looks can be deceiving cant they, master Oakensheild?"

The rooms occupants, including Gandalf, looked taken aback by bilbos sudden boldness. Bilbo fingered the dagger he'd swiped soundlessly. He put in the hidden pocket in his sleeve, so no one would see it. The night continued, and bilbo caught every insult sent his way by Thorin. It was slowly adding to his horrid mood and he continued to snatch things from Thorins pockets.

Finally he'd had enough. Just as the dwarf made a comment on the lack of good ale in the hobbits cellar, bilbo flung the dagger. It landed in the wall with a 'thump', inches from Thorins face. Bilbo then proceeded to dump all of the stolen goods on the table, glaring at everything. All of the dwarves were silent.

"Before you judged me, you might have thought of feelings beside your own. I don't give a rats ass if your the fricken queen of lothorien, you need to show more respect to people."with that, bilbo stormed down the hall, leaving thirteen shocked dwarves and a smiling wizard.


	2. Kiss and make up( but no kissing)

Chapter 2

Bilbo was up with the sun, before any of the dwarfs. Maneuvering around the sleeping dwarves strewn about his house, bilbo cleaned and cooked a large breakfast. He left it on the table as well as his signed contract. He packed a bag, with his trusty butcher knife and wooden spoon, both of which he'd swiped from lobelia sackville-baggins.

Putting the bag by the door, he wrote a note to put on his door saying:

Hobbits of hobbiton. If I don't come back in two years, I leave the right half of my whole house to my cousin, drogo and the other half to my tenant, Nithaluel. And lobelia, be a dear and STAY AWAY FROM MY SILVER!  
Sincerely,  
Bilbo Baggins

After bilbo put up his sign, he went and took a walk to town, to buy some good whiskey for the journey to the lonely mountain.(little did he know that the whiskey would save his life in several instances) By the time bilbo had returned, the dwarves and Gandalf had saddled their steeds, and put bilbos pack on one of the ponies.

"Burglar! Are you ready to go?"Fili shouted from his pony.

"Not quite yet master Fili" bilbo took off into his house, and came back out carrying his meat cleaver. The dwarves had stopped their chatting to watch bilbo strap the monstrous thing to his belt.

"Durins beard! What did you use that for master boggins? Butchering dragons?!" Asked Kili, who was staring at the knife in wonder.

"I'm not too sure what my cousin used it for. At the time I had stolen it, I had never seen it used. But I know that it is quite lethal"bilbo replied. He hopped up onto his pony, and the company continued onward out of hobbiton, and the shire as well. Bilbo watched as small hobbit farms became large ones, and the land grew more wild until the company was following the winding path through the old wood.

"So master bilbo, i couldn't help but notice you wrote to your tenant in that very short will?"Ori asked. He moved his pony up next to bilbos, so they could face each other.

"Yes. Nithaluel is a very peculiar elf, although he is the closest I've ever had to a brother."

"You room with an elf, master bilbo?! I thought we were friends!"Fili exclaimed in shock.

"Like I said, he's a very peculiar elf"

"What do you mean by peculiar?"Kili had ridden up to the other side of bilbo.

"Well, for one, he's got a goatee. His hair is cut short, around his ears, and he's taller than most elves, like six foot seven."bilbo replied."he was exiled from the greenwood after he stole a precious jewel from king Thrandril."

"I think I like this elf!"exclaimed Ori."he sounds more like a dwarf than an elf."

"I'll say! Did I tell you about the time . . . ." Bilbo went into a lively story about Nithaluels first time in the shire, and how he'd taught bilbo's hobbitling cousins how to swim.

In the days that followed as the company traveled through the old wood, bilbo, Kili, Fili, and Ori became great friends. They often traveled together, talking and gossiping like good friends should.

One night, when the camp had been set up and dinner was cooking, Thorin called bilbo aside. In the days following bilbos outburst, Thorin had not talked to him beside the ocational thank you, and excuse me. Thorin never looked at bilbo, unless he thought bilbo wouldn't notice. So it was very strange that he was calling bilbo aside to talk to him.

"I wish to apologize."he began."I had been very disrespectful to you, and I wish to start over"

Bilbo was shocked, but only for a moment. He smiled"that's good. I thought you were going to reprimand me or something like that."

"No! Of course not. I would not reprimand you"Thorin looked slightly uncomfortable, his eyes shifting as he rocked back and forth.

" ok then, lets start over. My name is bilbo Baggins, your thief"

"And I am Thorin, the leader of your company"they both mock bowed. Bombur approached the two.

"Lad, could ya bring this soup to Fili, Kili, and Ori? They're guarding the ponies."he held out three bowls to bilbo.

"Sure."bilbo took the bowls of soup and headed towards were the ponies were, only looking back to wink at Thorin. A strange smile came over Thorins face. Bombur took one look at Thorin and smiled knowingly, and headed back to the fire.

thilbo bagginsheild:)-

thank you for the wonderful reviews! I'm kinda new at this, so the praise is greatly appreciated.

I'm writing purely on reveiws.


	3. A problem with Brutus

Chapter 3

Bilbo trekked up the path to where the ponies were tied, balancing the soup in his arms. He was glad to make amends with Thorin(he wouldn't admit it, but he thought Thorin was cute in a gruff, tuff kinda way) because Fili and Kili always pretended to choke on the tension. Once he reached the end of the path, he called out to the three young dwarves.

"Ori, Fili, Kili! Dinner!" Suddenly all three dwarves appeared in front of bilbo, taking the soup bowls out of bilbos hands.

"Thank you bilbo!" Ori exclaimed cheerily. Fili and Kili on the other hand, took the bowls without a word, and looked about to drink them like ale when- thwack!

Fili yelped." Ow! Bilbo, what have I done to offend you?"  
Bilbo waved his wooden spoon in front of Fili and Kili's faces.  
"You know very well what that was for! Eat with a spoon!"

Ori chuckled. They all sat down on a log to enjoy the hard earned food. "Can you keep telling us that story from earlier? With Julius Caesar?" Kili asked. Bilbo made a sound of agreement.

"And then Caesar gasped, blood spurting from his mouth 'et tu, brute?' And he fell dead upon the ground." The three young dwarves looked at bilbo.

" and that's it?" Kili asked.

"Yup"

" Julius is dead?"

"Yes"

"But what about Brutus? They were best friends why would he betray him?"

" why do you think?" The dwarves groaned and muttered under their breath. Suddenly, Kili's head shot up.

"There are only fourteen ponies."  
Fili scoffed.  
"Your eyes aren't working right! You see there are . . . Four, . . Eight, . . . Thirteen, fourteen. Oh" Ori's eyes got wide, and he muttered a curse under his breath. The three dwarves and hobbit stood from their seats and frantically began searching for the ponies. After a few minutes, Kili called them over.

"Look! You see them? Trolls"he pointed to a light a distance into the woods. They began to wispered furiously to each other about what to do.

"Can't tell Thorin yet, that'll be a mess."

"If we tell Thorin this will be a lot easier though"

"No! Fili, he would tan our hides"

"I'll go and distract them, and if I'm not back in five minutes, come after me. With everyone else." The three dwarves turned to bilbo. They exchanged worried glances, but decided not to voice them.

"Ok. Just . . . Try not to get eaten, or crushed? Hate to see uncles face when he found out his burglar had been smashed into pulp." The dwarves grinned widely.

"Whatever"bilbo snapped."remember, five minutes. No more, or less." Bilbo silently but swiftly crept toward the trolls camp. Fili, Kili, and Ori scrambled back to camp in a frenzy.

"Uncle! Uncle! Two of the ponies have been taken by trolls, and bilbo went to free them!" Kili exclaimed. At first Thorin could only stare at the brothers and scribe.

" how many trolls?" Thorin's voice was deathly calm, but his eyes betrayed his anger and . . . Worry?

"Three. Mountain trolls" Fili said. He cringed, waiting for the inevitable blow up.

"Get your ax Dwalin, we have a hobbit to save." Thorin said, walking over to his sword. "The rest of you too. Mountain trolls are nasty business."

Wait! No! We should trust bilbo. Lets wait five minutes and then go."Ori protested.

"The hobbit could very well be inches from the trolls cooking pot"Thorin glared. The dwarves gathered their weapons and crept to the outskirts of troll camp. The sight they saw surprised them greatly. Bilbo was carefully leading the ponies away from the fire, while the trolls scuffled and shouted insults and whatnot.

Maybe the burglar didn't need looking after at all.


End file.
